The Salty Cee Guide to speaking Christianese

Have you recently begun attending church and are not sure as to what to say?

Perhaps you can hear what people are saying but are not sure what they really mean?

Friend, you need a guide to speaking and understanding Christianese!

Yes, those lovely people from the Salty Cee (who also brought you the Sermon Buzzword Bingo) have created a guide just for you dear reader.

With a few minutes of study you’ll soon fit right in!

But first, a quick thank you to our sponsors: the global Sunday school commission, the new council of legit churches, and a handful of out-of-work anthropology majors.

What people say (Christianese)…………………….What they actually mean
We will consider your idea and pray about it…………………………………………..No
Our pastor is transitioning…………………………………………………………….He’s fired
We need to pray for Bob’s behavior……………You won’t believe what Bob did!
It’s a beautiful day that the Lord has made!…………………..I sound so spiritual!
Advent…………………………………………………………………………………………Christmas
Prayer is hard work……………………………………………….We don’t pray very often
Fellowship…………………………………………………..Hang out (preferably with food)
Tithes and offerings…………………………………………………………………….Donations
Give your first fruits to the Lord………………………………………….More donations
Special Gift Day…………………………………………………………….Yet more donations
I’m not called to that………………………………………………….I don’t want to do that
We don’t talk about politics here………….How could you have voted for that?!
Worship………………………………………………………………………………….Singing songs
Potluck…………………………………………………………………………Buffet, yay gluttony!
Parking lot ministry………………………………………….Directing traffic with a smile
VBS Ministry………………………………………Herding kids for a week, with a smile!
Be honest………………………………………………….Don’t say anything that isn’t nice
Coffee………………………………………………………………Decaf, watered-down coffee
Bathed in the blood………………………………………………Christ has forgiven them
I’m doing fine………………………..I have a serious problem! Please pray for me/
…………………………I have a serious problem but there’s no way I’m telling you ………………………………………………………………………………………….I am actually fine

Did we miss any Christianese terms?  Let us know in the comments.

Reporter: The lonely rogue