50 Articles Wot We Never Wrote

Church Life

Well, our journey at the Salty Cee is coming to an end tomorrow, and whilst the spirit is willing our flesh is weak, especially after drinking spirits.

But we know what some of you are thinking:

“If only they could write more funny articles!”

Look, stop with the nagging already!

We’ve been trying really hard to write our second funny article, since that accident back in 2018…

But while you’re waiting for that here’s a list of 50 articles wot we never wrote (and with probably good reason too).

But we’re sure Jesus said something about loving the unlovely – so you’d better pay attention!

That includes you too Gary!

  1. Liberal scholars newfound respect for mostly peaceful Old Testament.
  2. Church expels homeless man for not having the joy of the Lord.
  3. Social media sites quarantined to prevent posts going viral.
  4. Disney runs out of cartoons to remake as live action movies.
  5. American learns British slang, immediately receives UK citizenship and love letters.
  6. God grieved over making America.
  7. Salty Cee boasts more writers than readers!
  8. NFL adds new team: Old England Patriots.
  9. Facebook accidentally censors itself.
  10. Noah’s Ark found, quarantined due to lack of lifeboats.
  11. Greta Thunberg seeks ban on environmentally unfriendly Brussel sprouts due to the effect they have on…well you know.
  12. Universities to abolish admission tests so rich people no longer have to cheat to get their children in.
  13. Reformed churches\ demand “pre-fall of man” dress at each service
  14. Skype reminds the world that it still exists
  15. Olympic Committee adds new sport: Virtue Signalling
  16. Church encourages wearing of masks, no longer a metaphor
  17. Mueller report beats Bible for coveted most misquoted award
  18. Republicans propose lower the voting age to include pre-born
  19. Church raises funds for worship pastor to replace ripped jeans
  20. Country ends racism with this one quick trick: remove statues.
  21. Men’s ministry features regular church activities
  22. Babylon Bee to buy out Fox news: “It seems the logical progression of our business model”
  23. Quarantined Introvert Gains Superpowers: “I can now balance over 40 paperclips on my nose,” said Tristen.
  24. Man Sells Advertising Space on Facial Mask.
  25. God confirms: Special place in hell reserved for the insurance companies.
  26. Homeless man enjoys sermon on helping others.
  27. Church Social Media Director Fired For Being Honest On Social Media.
  28. MySpace to be renamed “Empty Space”.
  29. I wonder if anyone is actually reading all of these?
  30. Celebrities win preaching contest against pastors for third year in a row.
  31. Salty Cee writers strike averted at 11th hour by doubling their volunteer pay!
  32. Pumpkins launch class action lawsuit against Starbucks over “pumpkin” spice.
  33. Super apostles (2 Cor 11:5) to join Avengers line-up.
  34. Common sense to be renamed.
  35. Quarantined congregation glad of new carpet purchase just before lockdown!
  36. Government rolls out biohazard teams to contain toxic masculinity.
  37. Babylon Bee accuses Salty Cee of using a time machine to steal their Biden speaking in tongues article to post it on our site 3 hours before them so we could get 47k fewer likes.
  38. Twitter CEO Jack Dorsey relents and allows everyone to tweet his opinion.
  39. Socialist millionaire actors campaign for all actors to have equal pay.
  40. Church eliminates gossip by calling it prayer requests.
  41. New report: Sunday School craft responsible for 98% of all household waste.
  42. “I will build my church” (Mt 16:18) voted megapastors’ favourite verse
  43. Satan uses power cut to stop Christian worship – “nobody had any idea what to do next,” exclaimed one worship leader…
  44. Single Christians pray they get married and have sex before Christ’s return!
  45. Karen shocked to discover that essential oils aren’t essential!
  46. Church demands that the State does more for the poor so they can focus more on the spiritual concerns
  47. “The Simpsons” cartoon removes Ned Flanders after discrimination complaints
  48. New Poll: People with Christian bumper stickers voted best drivers.
  49. The Holy Spirit to rebrand as “The Spirit” to avoid causing offence.
  50. Salty Cee writer shocked that someone read to the end: “we knew our readers had low standards but we never expected this!”

Reporter: The lonely rogue

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