What should I get my pastor for Christmas?

 Are you a loyal parishioner who really wants to do something nice for your Pastor?

Do you want to ease that preacher’s stress of running multiple services and a Christmas pageant this year?

Or do you want to pass of a bribe and call it a “love offering” in order to secure that church promotion?

Then we at the Cee are here to help with this list of what you should get your pastor for Christmas!

1. A Clue – Do other members of the church say that your pastor “hasn’t got a clue”.  Poor fella, why not help him out by buying one of these for him at Christmas.
2. A Pulpit Sound Board That Says ‘Amen’– Every time your preacher hits the pulpit during a sermon this will create an illusion of inspiration, as opposed to the usual startled screams of people being jolted awake.
3. Two Small Copper Coins – Jesus praised this gift from the poor widow in Luke 21:2 – so you know that it must be something special
4. A Cup of cold Water – Not only is this a practical preaching aid, for those long-winded sermons that kill the throat, but Jesus promises in Matthew 10:42 that you will get a reward. For best results, douse your pastor spontaneously during church with no prior warning.
5. The Apostle Paul’s Suit and Tie – Who wouldn’t want one of these holy relics? Certainly a remote African tribe were grateful to wear them after Western missionaries converted them so they must be important.
6. The Holy Grail – If this seems a little steep or a little pricey, ask yourself why you are not willing to do whatever it takes to assist the one who prays and preaches to you weekly!
7. Skinny Jeans– So he can regift them to the worship leader, and the Bible does not specifically say regifting is a sin, so it must be totally cool with God!
8. A Theology Degree – Although very few pastors have these nowadays, and those that do can’t get a job, our reporter Northworst Seminary offers them for free!
9. A fish. Think of it like a lucky dip. It may have a four drachma coin in it’s mouth like in the Bible.  Either way, he’ll still get a tasty fish for supper.
10. Nothing – after all it’s not his birthday, it’s Jesus’.  So if he complains – you know that he wants to be more important than Jesus and should be thrown out of the church as a false teacher. Either way, he’ll get nothing.

Reporter: The lonely rogue