America relieved to hear non-Coronavirus news being reported


For too long news has been dominated by the Coronavirus.

For too long the world has heard nothing but doom and gloom.

So Americans were delighted when something other than the Coronavirus was reported.

And the fact that it was about an animal made it even more special.

“I really feel things are turning a corner,” said an excited Bob, “These Asian Giant Hornets are like the herald of something better coming.”

“I was bracing myself for another dire news report and so imagine my surprise when I saw these Asian Death Hornets being reported instead,” said a relieved Sharon, “I finally feel like things are getting better.”

Sightings of the Asian Giant Hornet, nicknamed the Asian Murder Hornet, were first made last fall in the Northwest corner of Washington State and a recent decimated bee hive indicates they are establishing a foothold in North America.

“With all the racist comments about the ‘China virus’ it’s great to have something positive being attributed to Asia,” said a spokesperson for the open borders group.

With the venom of Asian Murder Hornets killing up to 50 people a year in Japan we approached Jed Thomas, a researcher at the Institute of Research, on why people are unconcerned. “People are so used to thousands dying in this crisis that 50 is small change rather like what you have offered me for this interview.”

Unfortunately our interview got mysteriously cut short, as it’s important in these trying times to focus on the positive.

Reporter: John Spencer aka Not the Bible 

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