Gary Chapman Trapped in Love Languages Book Idea Fugue State

Church Life

Tragic news out of Winston-Salem, NC this week as the family of renowned author, Dr Gary Chapman, revealed to the public his worsening condition. Apparently, for the past 5 weeks, Mr. Chapman has been unable to utter any words other than potential book titles for his wildly successful series, “The 5 Love Languages”.

“Some of us have seen this coming for a long time,” commented a family member who wished to remain anonymous.

Gary’s wife tells the story, “I think it really started the night we were with 2 friends and their daughter at Domino’s trying to order dinner. As we were all deliberating over toppings, Gary screamed, “The Five Love Languages of Pizza!”, and I haven’t really had my “Gare-Bear” back ever since. Now he just points at random objects or even the physical characteristics of strangers and yells out book titles.”

The Salty Cee was able to get an exclusive look at some of his recent notebook scribblings:

  • “The 5 Love Languages of Flossing”
  • “The 5 Love Languages of Hailing a Cab”
  • “The 5 Love Languages for Millennials with Man-Buns”
  • “The 5 Love Languages of Beating an Idea Into the Ground”

As psychological treatments have proved ineffective so far, Gary’s wife has been attempting to utilize the 5 Love Languages in order to withhold affection from Mr. Chapman in hopes that it would help him “snap out of it”. She said she has tried unkind words, refusing quality time, ice water, stomping on his favorite gifts, and acts of disservice. “It would help if I had ever actually learned which one of those kooky languages was his,” she lamented.

Reportedly, Chapman’s ghost writing team has tripled in size to handle to the sheer volume of ideas. Sales are predicted to shatter previous records.                                  

Reporter: Brian Harvey

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