New study: clown noses prevent the spread of COVID


The CDC has just released what they consider the most effective way to fight COVID19 (apart from suspending all respiratory activity) – wearing a clown nose!

Top scientists and doctors around the world along with new sciencey studies have shown that red clown noses not only slow but, in the case of foam ones, almost factually stop the spread of COVID19.

“It’s quite remarkable,” nasalized a young girl wearing a red clown nose and a lab coat. “We put clown noses of every color on a horde of hamsters. Then we injected half of the hamsters with Covid19.”

Her clown nose slipped and she quickly adjusted it, slightly embarrassed, then wiped her hand on her lab coat and continued, “Firstly, we sprinkled pepper under the hamsters’ cute little clown noses. Hamster sneezes are adorable! We noticed that the clown-nosed hamsters that were injected with COVID were incapable of spreading the virus and also far more cute.”

“We believe this is due to the very absorbent spongy material that the noses are made of. The clown noses have been tested to block any virus droplet larger than 65 nm. The coronavirus ranges from 70–90 nm and so we have concluded the nose does a better job than any mask on the market.  Though it’s not as tasty as the bacon face mask…”

This new scientific study has gone, ahem, viral prompting the CDC and his eminence, the holy Dr. Fauci, to recommend everyone put on the iconic clown symbol.

“Don’t be selfish. Just wear the &#*%$! clown nose. It could save your grandma’s life. Wear it at work, at the store and when you perform at the circus.”

A quick poll has shown that over 90% of Americans are in favor of wearing clown noses after learning that newscasters, politicians and celebrities will have to don them.

Jenny, a random passer-by that we asked, commented, “I’m sorry, I’m too busy to stop right now,” which is clear indication of how Americans feel about this.

However, there are concerns that viewers of the next presidential debate will have trouble trying to work out who is the clown when they’re both wearing red noses…

Reporters: I.P. Freely and Anita Bath 

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