Recent Bible School Graduate Shocked to Still be Single

Church Life

Recent Bible School graduate, Austin Millbarge, is shocked to find that he’s still single 4 months after graduating from New Hope Bible College in La Crosse, Wisconsin.

“I mean, I don’t get it,” said Austin. “Everyone knows you go to Bible College to find a mate, but I graduated in May. I don’t have a wife, I don’t have a steady girlfriend. I don’t even have a pen pal!”

Austin’s best friend, Jerry Hadley, admitted that he has, “…all the feels…” for his friend. “After my first semester, I had a steady girl in Karen Boyer, we were engaged just before spring break and we married over the summer. You know, the way God intended. Poor Austin, he never got past a second date with anyone.”

The Salty Cee reached out to the President of New Hope, Emmett Fitz-Hume, for a comment on this tragic state of affairs.

“Here at New Hope Bible College, we pride ourselves on being the best matchmaker for young, clean-cut, chaste Christian men and women. I take it personally when one of our students fails to find their helpmeet at our campus. Obviously, not everyone finds a spouse in their first year, but it’s incredibly rare for someone to graduate after 4 years still single.”

“Genuinely, I can’t remember the last time something like this happened. Somehow, some way, we failed Mr. Millbarge and I pledge that the staff and faculty of New Hope will not rest until we determine where we fell short and set right what is wrong.”

While Austin realizes that it’s too late for him, he hopes President Fitz-Hume’s promises means no other student will suffer as he did.

Austin also has pledged to provide comfort to other single graduates of Bible colleges. “I now know what it is to truly suffer. My prayer is that God will grant me the ability to help others through my pain.”

Austin is now using his bible school “degree” to work in a fast-food restaurant and takes comfort in producing a quality bacon double cheese burger.

Reporter: Jeff the Comma Head

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