Dating help for KJV lovers at Independent Fundamentalist Baptist Only.com

With all of the success of sites like Christian Mingle, eHarmony.com, Christiancupid, and Christian connection, the Independent Fundamentalist Baptist College Hyles-Anderson has developed a new dating site for IFB men and women to find God’s match for them.  The site is ifbonly.com. 

Each participant fills out a personality profile as well a rigorous Bible exam. 

Only those who adhere to the KJV Only can participate. 

Indeed, for every time that a participant has read a version other than the KJV, they are suspended for one month from ifbonly.com and they operate a strict three strikes and you’re out policy.  In love, of course.

Women are tested on how submissive they are to their pastor and their future mate and men must prove that they will follow their pastor’s every command. 

Now the men don’t ask out the women for a date, instead their pastor decides whom they should court, and sets up a time for them to meet at an IFB church for both morning and evening services.

The second courting session is held on a Saturday where they will go soul winning with the pastor.  This is where most couple’s compatibility is tested (even more so than shopping in IKEA) and sadly few make it past this stage.  But it’s for the best.

For the final courting session, the couple is assigned a bus that they are responsible for filling up and bringing to church.  If a couple is able to fill the bus, then they will be engaged in front of the church during the invitation.

Ifbonly.com has been a rousing success:  25 couples are now married and running their own bus routes. 

For the slogan, Hyles-Anderson college toyed with “you will read the KJV only, at ifbonly.com” but decided to adapt Christian Mingle’s slogan of “Don’t put off finding the love of your life!” to create “Don’t put off finding the KJV lover of your life!”

However, those critical of the IFB movement have rebranded it “Don’t put off finding the legalist of your life!” which isn’t very Christian of them at all.

PS We have tracked who clicked the link above and are sending you help.  Please try to remain calm after discovering that the site doesn’t actually exist and your future spouse has been snatched from you unexpectedly.

Reporter: Northworst Seminary