Dear Crass: My wife is done with me!

Dear Crass

Dear Crass

My wife and I have been having issues for a few months now, but she informed me last night that what happened was the last straw and she was done with me. I don’t get it, I don’t know why she was so mad! It just confuses me beyond all measure, and I am reaching out to you for help.

Crass, I don’t understand why my wife won’t watch the kids so my girlfriend and I can go out for dinner and a movie.

Please help me know the right thing to say to her, so our marriage can begin to heal.


Confused in Kentucky

Dear Confused,

I will do my best to help, but you unfortunately haven’t given me enough information to process, so the outcomes may vary.

For one, what movie were you trying to watch? Where were you going take your girlfriend to eat?

And, this is most important, how much liquid plumber have you been drinking lately? Were you born without common sense, or were you dropped on your head early and often as a child?

These are pieces of information I need here. I must say it is time to repent and break off your relationship with this girlfriend immediately, but if you can’t do that, might I suggest finding the biggest, meanest biker gang in your neck of the woods, and poking their cruelest looking fella in the face until he beats some sense into you. I believe that may help.

Your friend,

PS Make sure the biker has a patch on that says “1%”. He can help.


If you would like Crass to give you a condescending and irreverent reply to your heartfelt questions then email

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