Joel Osteen’s Freshly Polished Teeth Glow Mistaken for Shekinah Glory

Thousands of attendees at Lakewood Church in Houston, Texas this Sunday were led to believe they had received The Favor after the glow from Pastor Joel Osteen’s freshly polished teeth was mistaken for the Shekinah glory of God. “It was a miracle of God! There’s no other explanation,” exclaimed Vi Moore who said she was sitting with her family in the 6th row. Added her husband, Shaw Moore, “The Favor of the Lord was upon us! A beautiful light emanated from the stage and bathed us in its warm, welcoming, loving glow.” Even their teenage daughter, Ariel Moore, could tell something was different this Sunday. “It was kinda cool, I guess.” Other members in attendance reported experiencing a similar phenomenon. Ren McCormack said that as soon as Pastor Osteen strode to the middle of the stage, he smiled and a blinding white light shone forth. “I really couldn’t see too much, but I felt this inner peace, like the weight of the world, had been lifted from my shoulders. I finally know what Joel means when he talks of The Favor. Words can’t describe it, but I know I’ve been blessed beyond measure.” When asked for a comment, church spokesman Willard Hewitt issued this statement: “Earlier today, many members of our congregation reported a bright light or glow shining from the stage during Pastor Osteen’s message. Upon further investigation, including eyewitness accounts, reviewing video feeds from all angles and Pastor Osteen’s own testimony, we have concluded that the ‘glow’ from the stage was the result of the klieg lights reflecting off of Joel’s freshly polished teeth. While he has a standing appointment with his dentist, Chuck Cranston, to polish his teeth every Saturday afternoon, Joel was unable to keep yesterday’s appointment due to a scheduling conflict. Consequently, his teeth polishing took place just before he walked on stage, resulting in an abnormally bright reflection of the aforementioned klieg lights.” Mr. Hewitt said that, in the future, all teeth whitening and polishing would occur at least 12 hours in advance of Sunday morning services to avoid a similar situation. Reporter: Jeff the Comma Head