Dear Crass: Tambourines in Church

Dear Crass

Dear Crass,

Normally, I don’t like to air out church problems or grievances I have with a brother or sister in Christ. Instead, I try to do the Biblical thing and go to them privately, one-on-one, and if they refuse to listen, I try to grab two or three impartial brothers or sisters, and proceed accordingly.

However, being able to find an impartial person to join me for the second round has been difficult, as everyone in our church absolutely can’t stand the fact that Sister Mabel has been bringing her own tambourine to worship services on Sunday! What do we do?
My Ears Hurt in Houston

 Dear Ears Hurt,

People often forget there is a third step to this process.

Public humiliation.

I mean, oops… uhm… Christ says to bring it before the whole church, in what we would call a modern-day intervention.

However, it sounds like “Sister Mabel” (I’m assuming you’re using a made up name) is a stubborn sort and bringing her before the whole church may not be the solution either.

I believe treating her as a pagan or a tax collector may only make matters worse, as she believes she is worshipping the Lord here.

I truly was a little stumped for once. Then it dawned on me that there is a perfect solution.

Let’s face it, stealing the tambourine, or “accidentally” causing someone to break it would only frustrate this dear sister and cause her to find a louder, more obnoxious tambourine to wave around during a chorus.

So here’s how we deal with this: Give her nursery duty.

Small children love shiny objects, loud noises, and older saints do love babies. If she’s reluctant, express the “need” and belief she is truly qualified.

If she’s bad with kids, so what?

They’re babies! Soon the stink of diapers and whining of other people’s kids will cause her a moment of self-reflection and she shall soon see the error of her ways, or seek another place to worship.

You’re welcome,



If you would like Crass to give you a condescending and irreverent reply to your heartfelt questions then email

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