English Teacher Fired over Oxford Comma

THOUSANDS, perhaps dozens of literary critics are aghast at the latest scandal to echo from the halls of academia. While many are playing it off as “no big deal,” others are dubbing this ordeal #CommaGate and attaching a hashtag to it (which adds to the legitimacy of any cause—you’ve got to have a hashtag or no one will take you #seriously).

The events unfolded as veteran teacher Mrs. Crabtree was abruptly fired following the heinous act of failing to observe a brief pause at the Oxford Comma.

Witnesses say Crabtree, 86, was reading to a class of 31 students as she quickly made a mistake that she would have never imagined would have ended her career. In her own words, the teacher of many accolades, including nicest perm, told our reporters,

“I was reading a story, as I do every day, and when I failed to pause at a comma before the word ‘and’, one of the students in the #Resist movement got offended. I didn’t realize at the time that my lack of pause implied that I don’t respect or even tolerate commas. I am very sorry and this will never happen again.”

Sobbing ensued, but the tears were not enough to restore her teaching status and Mrs. Crabtree was forced into premature retirement. It is sad, tragic, and unfortunate that the Oxford Comma has divided our nation so acutely.

Reporter: Angry Nursery Worker