Man leaves quarantine: Immediately blindfolded, offered cigarette and shot
Dennis Johnson made the final mistake of his life on Saturday.
Apparently wishing to take advantage of the lovely weather and take a short stroll around the block, Johnson left his home sans mask, and was almost immediately confronted by the lights and sirens of multiple police cars.
Police report that they were responding to an anonymous tip of “dangerous quarantine behavior”.
“We couldn’t do our jobs right now if so many of you didn’t have your noses glued to your front window in abject fear and moral superiority,” says officer Lindt (no relation to the chocolatiers).
“Our orders are actually just to shoot anyone on sight that we deem likely or unlikely to spread the virus, but I said to my officers, ‘This is a human being. Let’s show him a little dignity.’”
Johnson was easily arrested, as he was somehow unaware of the current “Stay at Home” orders in Version 154.8, Section A, subsection iii.
After subduing Johnson, Officer Lindt took a spare mask and fashioned it into a blindfold. He then asked Mr. Johnson if he would like a cigarette (he did), and if he had any last words. Neighbors, who in their own words, “have been paying attention”, reported that Mr. Johnson appeared “very presidential” as he fumbled for words and lost his train of thought.
Finally, the makeshift blindfold was tied on Mr. Johnson, who was then placed up against a wall, and shot by every officer responding.
Miraculously, they failed to hit a single vital organ, and Mr. Johnson was immediately transported to the nearest hospital. He subsequently contracted COVID-19, according to the death certificate, and died in the Emergency Room.
A police department review of the incident found that the officers acted appropriately. It concluded that “if we don’t start shooting more people, more people will die.”
Reporter: Jack J. Bennett