Salty Cee Staff Holds Historic Vote on Whether or Not to Vote
In a narrow-margin vote taken among the staff of writers at the Salty Cee, the decision was made to not report on anything that even remotely pertains to voting and elections.
In the current political climate within the Divided States of America, the last thing we need is yet another vote to divide us again like a circular pizza cutter.
Veteran writer Christian B. Furious boldly exclaimed that he would have no part in the company-wide vote just moments before dropping his ballot into the empty potato chip box, and discovering several uneaten sour cream and onion waffle chips (such was his reward for his noble stance).
The vote count was so close that some demanded a recount, but president and CEO John Spencer said that a 1-7 vote was not narrow enough of a margin to consider recounting the archaic paper ballots as his one is clearly greater than the other writers seven.
A small ensemble of other staff members who requested to remain unnamed are Crass Christian, the anonymous dean of Northworst Seminary, Jeff the Comma Head (or “Geoff” as he tells us it’s pronounced), ProtestAnt Man, Dripping Ether, and yours truly (Angry Nursery Worker) began to protest and kindled a small fire in an outside trashcan, threatening to dispose of the ballots if this election was not canceled.
Whereas Dr. Parson Peeves was slightly ticked and simply demanded a recount. His gravitas is such that everyone in the Northern Hemisphere took note.
So, to make a long, boring story a lot shorter and a little less boring, President John Spencer had the entire staff vote on whether or not to hold a vote.
Needless to say, the political climate is maxed out as “bright red” on the warning status chart.
Please pray for the staff as they bring in counselors to help them cope with the unpleasant results which were obviously highly in favor of no more in-office voting.
Reporter: Angry Nursery Worker