Student self-identifies as illegal immigrant

Cambridge, MA-Freshman political science Major of Harvard University has self-identified as an illegal immigrant.

Justine Case announced via Twitter her new racial and residential status. Or we should say she “came out” with her true identity which she’s always had since birth but has only recently embraced openly.

Friends, family members, pastors, and her fraternity have all accepted Ms. Case’s identity.

“Who am I to argue with someone’s identity? If she said it on Twitter, then it’s official,” tweeted President Trump in his most progressive tweet to date.

The president of Harvard University, Lawrence Bacow has fully endorsed Ms. Case’s identity. “Diversity has always been a foundational principle of Harvard and our inclusive university was only too happy to provide free scholarship for Ms. Case once she made us aware of her true identity.”

We reached out to Justine Case just this morning but it wasn’t until this afternoon that Ms. Case had slept off her hangover and had drunk enough coffee so that she was able to string a coherent sentence together.

“It’s not been easy coming out as an immigrant. So many people are quick to dismiss me, but I’ve always known that I was different and now I finally understand why.”

We asked Ms. Case how she responds to those who say her identity is only so that she receives a free scholarship amongst other benefits.

“Well it’s obvious that such people are just out and out racists and just continue the patriarchal oppressive narrative. Even one of my lecturer’s exhibited this when he failed one of my assignments in the clearest act of xenophobia I’ve experienced.  Fortunately, Harvard dismissed him after he refused to adjust my grade.”

Her parents, Mr. and Mrs. Case were somewhat shocked that their daughter is an illegal, seeing as their daughter is white, well-off and born in Boston. However, they were happy to admit that they had been bigoted enough to have been assumed otherwise all these years, “We apologise unreservedly to our daughter for mislabelling her all her life. We naively believed that since we were American and she was born in American that she was American too. We urge other parents to listen to who their children tell them that they are and not make such grievous assumptions.”

It’s not clear at this time whether Ms. Case’s parents will be making monetary reparations to their daughter.

However, we at the Salty Cee, applaud Justine’s bravery in coming out in such a hostile environment.

Reporter: The lonely rogue