Twitter Stringenetizes Strongerizes Enforcerizes Implements Stricter Rules


If you didn’t think Twitter was strict enough or biased enough, then you are in for a real treat. The unwritten crazy Twitter rules have now been made even more stringent according to guest news journalist @FakeGeorgeStephanopoulos.

While it may be irritating that the list of rules seems to be growing like a bad weed, there have been a few new warnings put in place to protect Tweeters from…

getting annoyed.

That’s right; no typo their!

The Salty Cee wishes to perform a public service by informing our massive audience, stationed around the North East corner of New Jersey, by leaking a list of these changes that will be taking effect two weeks ago, which is why your account has been locked (you’re welcome).

The whole point of the additional rules is to annoy fewer people, but last time we checked on Snopes, Twitter rules were the number 3 reason for people getting annoyed, right behind Baby Shark and reruns of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood.

But this rule is different because it limits retweets, kind of like censorship and hindering free speech, only with your irritation level in mind.

Without further ado, we present the list:

  • Accounts with no profile picture may not retweet—ever. There is a 99% chance you are a bot; close your account!
  • Accounts with no imagination or sense of humor of their own are limited to 1 (one) retweet per day, and their account must be private so their annoyance stays within their very tiny circle of “friends”.
  • All tweets with less than 1 like will be deleted because nobody cares and you’re just clogging up bandwidth.
  • Those who tweet 100 times per day or more will be slightly scaled back to 5 (five). No one wants to get 100 beeping noises when they are actually at a real job trying to work.
  • Accounts with blue check marks will no longer be taken seriously (this excludes our good friend Bryan Duncan, because he’s a really groovy guy). Appeals can be made based on how annoying/not annoying your tweets are. Likely, no one cares about what you have to say just because you’re verified. Most likely you are an actor who gets paid to say fake stuff, therefore no one cares about the “real” you—unless you can stay in character, like Chuck Norris (but we had to say that because at 80 he’ll still take us out if we say otherwise).

And there you have it: Twitter’s updated rules to ward off annoying people who are being overly social on social media.

Reporter: Angry Nursery Worker

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