UK Labour blames election loss on lack of puppies


Last week, the UK Labour party lost the election with its worst performance since 1935.  They have now entered a period of reflection to try and explain how this could be – fingers are already pointing at the leader Jeremy Corbyn, the anti-Semitism that is rife, their most socialist manifesto to date and Brexit.  However, the finger has come to rest on puppies. Or more accurately: the lack of them.

Labour published its most socialist manifesto yet which detailed an astonishing splurge in spending to fund free university places, 4 day working weeks and to nationalise nearly all business to ensure the UK becomes more inefficient but at least everyone would have free internet.

“For too long people have blamed Brexit for the slow growth and lack of business confidence,” Jeremy Corbyn declared, “this move is set to change all of that.”

This is to be funded by massive tax rises on the wealthy and businesses but Corbyn was clear that 95% of people would not be affected by these as businesses wouldn’t increase their prices to offset the loss in their profits. Honest.

Paul Johnson, head of the IFS, analysed the promises in Labour’s manifesto and stated that they were “not feasible”. However, John McDowell, shadow chancellor, refuted this claim. The Guardian, a fiercely independent newspaper which only coincidentally favours Labour in every article it writes, found some left-wing economists that said it was feasible.

Three days after Labour’s manifesto, Corbyn clearly demonstrated how feasible his spending plans were by promising a further £56bn in spending to support those women who were affected by the rise in women’s retirement age. In addition, he promised a free unicorn to everyone who voted for them.

“Yes we know that no-one has seen a unicorn, but no-one has seen an economically successful socialist country but that’s not stopped anyone believing,” stated on Labour spokesperson.

However, it appears that the offer a unicorn was turned down in favour of a party that offered the Brexit that the working class voted for. 

Labour believe their loss was simply due to not offering free puppies.  “Everyone loves free puppies – if we’d offered them instead of those unicorns we’d have a massive majority.”

With this period of reflection over, commentators are now focussing on how Labour “won the argument” and calling its traditional working class voters racists.

Reporter: John Spencer aka Not the Bible 

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