Bible Belt Prayers Zig-Zag Hurricane Michael’s Path

Church Life

Gulf Breeze, FL: The rain may fall on the just and the unjust, but storm surges target sinners.

As you read this, Hurricane Michael continues to churn inland like General Sherman in reverse.

Unlike neutral prayers on Monday for the storm to dissipate into the sea, reports indicate more recent prayers implored the Almighty to just alter the course slightly to punish the heathen in Biloxi, Mississippi (they gamble too much) or Tallahassee and Gainsville (something about SEC football).

God’s primary messenger of wrath, Jim Cantore from the Weather Channel, didn’t even bother with, “Fear Not” when he came to town.

Although a cursory knowledge of Southern culture easily explains wishing a hurricane on a college rival, the concept of a prayer ranking system is new.

The storm continues to make small adjustments back and forth.

Will the remnants of the Brownsville revival in Pensacola send prevailing winds east, or does God instead value the stoic petitions of Big Bend Baptists praying the storm westward?

Surely someone somewhere is anointing their TV with oil in an attempt to soak the Carolinas with the floodgates of heaven yet again.

To quantify the effects of wishing terrible weather on geographic neighbors, we wanted one of those loud meters designed for making NBA opponents miss foul shots, but the closest teams of New Orleans and Atlanta are likely to avoid Cat 3 effects, and also Ferret 9.

So, we filched this prayer scale from You should visit after watching cat and ferret Youtubes.

Which team do you think God will choose? West or East? Who deserves destruction more?

We would encourage you to type comments below, but we know better than to give our readers that awkward power. You’ll have to express your opinion by sharing this on social media, with #hurricanemichael of course.

Just remember that loving your neighbor as yourself may mean you each get to share in the splendor of nature’s fury.

Reporter: Dripping Ether

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