New carpet to end division among Christians


Dallas, TX-A megachurch pastor has found the way to end division among Christians: A carpet that is constantly changing its color.

After Bible translators discovered the importance of carpet color, believers in developed countries have argued and even cut ties with other believers over the color carpet. In fact, entire denominations have been founded based on loud or subtle flooring. However, this will no longer be the case at Abundant Life Fellowship!

“I used to always offer my sage wisdom on carpet,” said Ms. Liv N. Petty, “but now my pastor’s rugs change every ten seconds and, I have nothing to say!”

The new Omni Carpet Color (OCC) changes every ten seconds, using highly advanced Swiss technology. The church purchased the new coverings for a modest 1.5 Billion Euros.

“A smart Alec parishioner told me a carpet like ours might not be the best use of our resources,” said lead Pastor Rich Gaines, “he’s one of those know-it-alls with multiple theology degrees. I told him to focus on his volunteer work in the church coffee shop and that he needs to spend more time studying God’s word.”

Other church goers have said that they will never leave this church for any reason.
“I cannot wait to hear a sermon in a church like this!,” said long-time member Dizz Tracted, “can’t you feel the anointing of God’s word as the carpet goes from white, to brown, to red, to green, to blue, then gold every minute!”

The only person who is displeased with the OCC is Joel Osteen, only because he did not think of buying one first.

“My team and I are ordering them now!,” said Osteen, “both for our church and then our homes. And we have any money left over, we’ll use it to buy Bibles for the third world.”

Reporter: The lonely rogue

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