Bratty toddlers miss rapture

Church Life

Narrow is the baby gate, and few that enter it.

Colorado Springs, CO: All dogs go to heaven. Probably not pet snakes. Or cats. But what about children?

To ensure salvation, Catholic theology teaches the importance of infant baptism while the tiny creatures can still fit in a basin rather than the typical Protestant baptistery/world’s worst hot tub.

We polled several local churches on this not at all sensitive topic, but most members had children in their early 40’s or were currently on Fishers of Men trying to attract a mate with which to make children.

Turning to the field, our intrepid reporter observed several small tykes throwing tantrums in the cereal aisle while not practising social distancing.

Innocent cherubs or knee-high gremlins?

Angry Nursery Worker declined to answer our query, stating that she should really be the one writing this article anyway. She did mutter the phrase “hellions in Pampers” through her mask, however, and argued that hell has no visible flames—it’s a lake of Goldfish crackers and endless episodes of Peppa Pig.

A sampling of Salty Cee reporters revealed that the Nicholas Cage version of Left Behind would also suffice, but doesn’t answer the awkward question, “Will bratty kids miss the rapture?”

Travelling to the future is the preferred method of discovering such truths, second only to YouTube conspiracy theories espoused by white males in their late 30’s sitting in their pick-up trucks.

Obviously, the most wholesome way to time travel is through the Imagination Station at Whit’s End, programming it to the end of time minus 1,007 years, and the result was what we expected:

Toddlers. Herds of sticky-fingered toddlers wandering around a dystopian landscape eating much more chocolate than their parents would allow.

Think Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but the adults had already turned into blueberries and such, one by one. Except we programmed it wrong and ended up in the “It’s a Small World Nursery” on a future Disney cruise. Whew.

Reporter: Dripping Ether

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