Children’s Pastor Preaches, Immediately Patronized

Church Life

 WAYNE, MI: It’s tragic, but sometimes the guy who always preaches on Sunday mornings is out of town. When that happens, it’s the B Team’s time to shine.

The result is not unlike an eagle pushing an eaglet out of the nest, hoping the little one will learn to fly before reaching the ground.  At Wayne Community Church, usually they don’t and there’s an audible splat, even if you’re sitting in the balcony.

It was uncomfortable when the youth pastor preached about the dangers of sex, puzzling all the married couples. At least Mrs. Cartwright stopped giving her husband those super awkward neck massages during that service.

Worse still was the worship pastor—I think that’s what they call the man who sings songs no one knows until all the late people show up—preaching from Psalms and possibly his own mix tape from back in the day.

This past Sunday, the children’s pastor preached. He made everyone march around the sanctuary, sat several people in time out, and brought a puppet.

Also, there were no snacks. Not even stale goldfish crackers in a Dixie cup that smells like a bowling alley.

You may have seen the meme of the senior pastor’s wife clapping for the children’s pastor. It was that bad.

There were no diatribes against the dangers of Calvinism, or even sweet Valentine stories about David bringing King Saul a bag of Philistine body parts. Instead, the sermon started with Adam and Eve, but lurched suddenly to not pinching your sister or forgetting to do your homework.

Apparently, that’s what Adam did. He didn’t do his homework before dating Eve. In Eve’s defense, talking snakes make terrible spouses, especially during molting season, and from all accounts Adam was a “swipe left” kind of guy.

Wayne Community Church will have poor attendance this Sunday too. Instead of making sure all the toilets flush, the janitor is preaching.

Most likely sermon topics include “Stewardship: Quit Littering Candy Wrappers and Coffee Cups” or “Why Hell Awaits Those Who Stick Gum under the Pew.” 

Reporter: Dripping Ether

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