Church compromises all doctrines in order to get more likes on Facebook

Hoboken, New Jersey-An established church has rewritten its views and hopes to start a new denomination on said beliefs. The congregation have compromised on all of their doctrines in order to get more likes on Facebook.

Newly Reformed Church of Reformations released the following statement:

“We feel that a free interpretation of the Bible is the best way to meet people where they are. And we want more likes in order to stay relevant in the world.”

We asked the church what denominational category their church falls into and were told that the church is of a non-denomination denomination sect of free believers.

Because we want to keep our readers informed, we forced asked our reporter to suffer through observe one of Newly Reformed services. Here is his transcript.

“I was greeted warmly by a group of welcoming people, both modestly and immodestly dressed. I then went to the church café where I was offered either one cup of coffee or ten cups of coffee, as well as either one free donut or a dozen donuts. The third choice was a dozen donuts with ‘herbs’ added to them.”

“Before going to the sanctuary, I asked for more info on the church and told them that I could not sit alone since I practice the sin of fear. A staff member agreed to follow me around. The worship songs were played on every instrument I have heard of, along with an acapella choir and an air-guitar band. A group of men were drinking and watching a baseball game in the back of the sanctuary. The sermon was completely inoffensive seeing as the preacher merely grunted eloquently and nodded. Following the ‘sermon’ I left without filling out a follow-up card, which the staff were entirely okay with.”

Newly Reformed Church currently has 1,888,555 likes on Facebook with its posts saying what people want to hear.  Sadly, it appears that only a fraction of these people actually attend and most of those are only there for the free food and beer.

Reporter: The lonely rogue