Church of the Spitting Saints causes controversy

The Church of the Spitting Saints controversial approach to healing is causing upset in the Christian community.

“Christians claim to follow Christ and do his works and yet they seem to completely ignore the fact that Jesus repeatedly used his saliva to heal people,” says lead pastor Phil Lem, “The Gospels record that he spat not once, not twice, but three times! If this isn’t a clear sign of the importance of this approach to healing then I don’t know what it!”

“He spat on the mute man’s tongue in Mark 7:33, spat on the eyes of a blind man in Mark 8:23 and spat on the ground to make mud to heal another blind man in John 9:6-7.  So we spit on people when we pray for them.”

Our reporter asked Pastor Phil about the efficacy of this approach to healing. 

“Some people recoil and seek to wash it off – but that’s okay as the man born blind washed in the pool of Siloam. I also suspect the blind person in Mark 8 saw people looking like trees walking around because of a particularly large globule that needed to be washed out too.  But certainly, we have had great success with praying for those who have trouble walking.  In every case the person we spat on was miraculously able to use their legs straight after to run away as fast as they could.”

We at the Cee are seriously impressed but our reporter asks how they cope with the backlash from the Christian community.

“Yeah, we just don’t get it.  I mean, it’s not like we’re handling snakes or anything and our method is certainly safer than Benny Hinn who severed a tendon after executing one of his healing moves.  In fact, the medicinal properties of saliva were well known in Jesus’ day – so with a move towards more natural approaches to healing, I think we’re just ahead of the curve and in time they’ll catch up.”

Finally, our reporter asks Phil Lem for any advice for churches starting out on using spit to heal people.

“Too many Christians start out following Jesus’ example but all too quickly run dry, so we recommend carrying water or chewing gum to keep the saliva production going.”

We at the Cee look forward to hearing reports from our readers about how they got on.

Reporter: John Spencer aka Not the Bible