IKEA: Exorcists called after customer mispronounces furniture name


IKEA assistant store manager Sven Karlsson is used to people getting lost in his store and having to call the Thai Navy SEALs to locate them but events this week were literally out of this world.

“Many people struggle to pronounce some of our furniture names, like KRYDDNEJLIKA, PJÄTTERYD, BJÖRKSNÄS or VIKTIGT. We sometimes joke that people are speaking in tongues, which is especially funny if they’re Southern Baptists.”

But then Sven turns serious as he begins to recount the harrowing events at IKEA last week, “One lady was really struggling with her pronunciation of YDDIGEN, a lake in Sweden, when there was a sound like a thunderclap and a strong smell of sulphur. My colleague Nils Larsson then informed me that people were screaming outside the store. 

“I didn’t think much of it, as it’s not usual for couples to shout at each other when struggling to fit all those ‘essentials’ into their car.  But then I noticed the sky.”

Sven took a shuddering breath before continuing, “It was a demon like something out of a horror movie, everyone was running and yelling.  Well except for those who were glued to their screens and had their headphones in.”

“Lars tried to distract it by throwing meatballs while I called the local church for an exorcist whilst hiding in a HAVSTA cabinet.  They soon sorted the problem but warned us that someone else may accidentally summon a demon unless we simplified our names.”

First reports are that the BILLY bookcase will soon be joined by JIMMY cupboards and BOBBY chairs.

However, some IKEA customers are already saying they’d rather risk summoning a demon than purchasing furniture tainted by the patriarchy. 

Idea from a meme posted on Facebook
Reporter: John Spencer aka Not the Bible 

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