BLT or BLM? The real discrimination exposed!
Just call me “late to the party” but I finally figured it out. I just knew BLM couldn’t actually stand for Black Lives Matter.
After all, everybody intuitively knows black people matter and most of us believe it.
I mean, didn’t we fight a war over this about 157 years ago? Don’t we venerate President Lincoln for his tireless emancipation efforts? Haven’t we invested massive resources into initiatives like Affirmative Action? Isn’t it true that top universities, like UC Berkeley and Boston University, adjust admissions requirements for minority groups? Didn’t we just have a black president?
So here’s what I figured out:
BLM stands for Bacon Lettuce & Mayo.
For generations now, mayonnaise has been left out of the popular sandwich acronym.
A four-letter acronym, BLMT, is too long for a sandwich; it doesn’t roll off the tongue.
So, the solution was to switch the target of discrimination. We must be inclusive of the mayo. It’s time. The bias against the influential condiment has got to stop.
After some sober dialogue, it was decided since a large number of the human population doesn’t actually include the “T” in the popular sandwich anyway (my son included), the tomato would be the new “odd man out.”
It’s time the tomato – that red, seed-filled, slimy, yet crisp fruit often used more like a vegetable – experience the pain of prejudice the mayo has endured for decades.
No more tomato privilege. In fact, any community of well educated, woke tomatoes will recognize the generations of privilege they’ve enjoyed and know it’s about time they step down from their culinary pedestal and allow the mayo its day in the sun…
Wait. Mayo + sun… Oh, well, even rancid mayo matters!
Here’s the problem: Mayo is white.
We can’t have any favor being shown to anything white – not sheets, not clouds, not napkins, not wall paint, and certainly not unwitting condiments that sit in unassuming jars in the door of our refrigerators (which better not be white).
So here’s my proposed solution: Food coloring.
Preferably seven colors – ROYGBIV. Rainbow mayonnaise.
If that’s not the next logical step towards a more inclusive, tolerant sandwich, I don’t know what is.
BLM! It’s about time.
Darn! My daughter just reminded me she prefers mustard.
Well, it’s clear we have a long way to go before we eradicate this systemic discrimination. I’m hungry.
Reporter: Bradley Barrett