Youth pastor raids donation bin to supplement “salary”

Church Life


Local authorities were recently called to the 300 block of Main Street, the location of the Central Chicago Conservative Contemporary Charismatic Church of Christ (hereafter referred to as the Seven C’s) in the wake of a string of robberies from none other than a donation bin.

The bin, which is located on the fourth level of the church’s parking garage, was out of view for most people and that is why the police believed this to be an inside job.

Gerald Wilcock (74), who has been the youth pastor at Seven C’s for nearly five decades, was charged with several accounts of “illegally attempting to update his wardrobe” (Section 107b iii.2v of Chicago’s almost always ignored laws). As investigators were interviewed by our team of semi-professional correspondents, the dots began to connect and the case was quickly solved.

The parishioners had been wondering why the youth pastor was wearing clothes that were identical to the ones they had placed in the donation bin to be given to a poor village in Africa, and the African recipients who were used to getting multiple bins of clothes were highly ticked off as to why they only received one sweater and a pair of mismatched socks.

While Wilcock sits in jail rotting for 72 hours, the sweatpants and sweaters have been returned to the bin and are scheduled to make it to the remote village sometime by next summer.

The Seven C’s church board is still confused as to the reason why Wilcock would stoop to such a level.  He had a salary rise of 2 cents back in 1983 and is also allowed to eat the church potluck leftovers…

However, attempts to recruit a replacement on Wilcock’s “generous” pay package have so far been unsuccessful. 

The board believes this reflects a deterioration in the level of commitment amongst the younger Christians who do not value “the work of the Lawd”.

The stress of this whole situation has meant the pastor has had to take a third holiday to recover his focus.

Reporter: Angry Nursery Worker

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