Dear Crass: How to Anon?

Dear Crass

Dear Crass,

First of all, thank you for your willingness to answer so many questions. I can’t imagine how often you get bombarded with theological dilemmas, family squabbles, or whatever other variety of questions people email to you on a daily basis. You truly are an amazing man.

What advice would you give to those who are considering creating an anonymous twitter account for the sake of Christian humor?

I have often thought about a career in stand up comedy, but feel I would be better suited for a life of anonymity and jokes under 280 characters in length, but the fear of rejection is holding me back. Any tips?

Thanks in advance,

Tweeting in Toronto

Dear Tweeting,

Wow, not only are you my first international reader, you’re so very kind and thoughtful and what do you want exactly, here?

Are you trying to finagle me into some sort of pyramid scheme, selling smelly oils or expensive rubber containers that burp when you lift the lid?

I mean, I’ll answer your questions, but just know I’m gonna keep an eye on you moving forward…

This is an absolutely true story. I was once in your shoes. I was debating taking my church jokes to a local bar (seriously) and just seeing how many laughs I could get. I even reached out to a well-known comedian who said I should give it a try.

Well, his exact words were, “I don’t know. Maybe.”

But I was scared to death of the possibility of a heckler and not knowing what to say in that moment. So I did what you’ve just done. I reached out to a guy I thought was funny on the internet and asked him his thoughts. Sadly, he was not any more help than the comedian.

Then one day, as I was walking home from work, the heavens opened, the clouds parted, and a voice from on high said to me, “Hey you! No, not you, the chubby looking guy with the beard. Yeah, you. Just do it. Nike Air Jordans.”

Also, I wasn’t walking home at all, I had actually fallen asleep at work after having eaten a bowl of microwave chili and some left-over pizza and shopping online for shoes. But that’s not really important. What matters is that whether or not it was God or a gas cramp during a dream, I was then motivated to try being funny in public.

I suggest you try it, too. If you think you’re funny, chances are someone else will think so, too. If you’re not, well, the internet will let you know soon enough. But you’ll experience the shame in the privacy of your own home, where nobody else can see your tears or chuck a rotten tomato at your head.

Hope this helps,



If you would like Crass to give you a condescending and irreverent reply to your heartfelt questions then email

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