Dear Crass: Pastor appreciation month

Dear Crass

Dear Crass,
October is Pastor Appreciation month, and I’m not sure if our church is doing anything for Pastor Tim.

What do I do? How can I motivate the entire congregation to show our pastor how much we appreciate his hard work, his devotion to preaching the Word, the fact he shovels snow at 4 am in January so nobody slips on their way to service, and everything else he does for us? I just… I can’t express how much we love this guy with a mere gift card to Red Lobster, can I?
Please help,
Appreciating in Arkansas

Dear Appreciating,

For starters, make sure you tell your pastor you appreciate him.

Tell him that a lot.

Look deep in his eyes to the point it makes you both feel uncomfortable when you say it to him in person.

Call his house late at night, blocking your number, and when he answers, pause for a few seconds, then whisper, “I appreciate you” before hanging up suddenly.

Take his address out of the Church directory and send him several letters a day for the month of October.

I promise you, the more awkward you can make it, the better he will feel.

Please do this, because who wants a pay raise, or bonus check, or free meal for the family?

Make that man feel as though he is loved, adored, and worried that if he ever were to leave you’d murder his pets.




If you would like Crass to give you a condescending and irreverent reply to your heartfelt questions then email

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