Middle-aged, Out-of-shape Native American Demands NFL Tryout
New York City, NY – A Middle-age, out-of-shape member of the Mi’k-maq Tribe was arrested for protesting without a permit in front of the headquarters of the National Football League in downtown Manhattan earlier today.
Before being arrested, Kevin Walker, a card-carrying Native American, was leading a one-man protest against the NFL’s rejection of his request for a try out.
“It ain’t fair,” yelled Walker as passers-by egged him on. “The NFL gave Kaepernick a customized tryout and he doesn’t even like Betsy Ross.”
Explaining to the press his love for America, Walker referenced native people’s long and peaceful association with the U.S. “We’ve been good neighbors and loyal supporters since 1776. We’ve traded with and even gave almost all our land to white Americans.”
Walker admits that he was only a second-string offensive tackle in high-school and that the hasn’t watched his diet or worked out consistently over the past four decades but insists that he is better than most offensive linemen playing in the NFL today. “C’mon man,” he shouted, “I’ve got the same bodyweight as those guys and I’ve watched a lot of games.”
In a statement to the press, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell explained the reason for turning down Walker’s request for a tryout. “Being an NFL lineman requires a lot more than just bodyweight. “It requires speed, agility, endurance and strength.”
“Sure, it requires a lot of those things,” responded Walker, “But I bring something to the table that no other lineman does—I’ve got more than 30 years of experience acting as a responsible adult. I won’t be swinging no helmets at anyone.”
Walker claims he is ready to interview with any team at any time and repeated his call for the 32 owners, 32 teams and Goodell to “Stop running from the truth. I’ve been ready, and I’ll continue to be ready,” he shouted while scarfing down a coke and two hotdogs he purchased from a passing vendor.
After being booked and released, Walker issued a statement for any teams interested in showing up, he would be holding his own tryout this Saturday in the empty lot behind the Arby’s on 8th Ave.
Asked which teams he would like to play for, Walker admits a preference for the Kansas City Chiefs and Washington Redskins but not the Dallas Cowboys and the Houston Texans. “Just don’t think I’d fit in well with those organizations.”
Reporter: Calvin Harper