Just what the world needs now: Cans of CRAP available for sale!


You need more CRAP!

Are you constantly busy and having trouble keeping up with the demands of this modern world?

Do you often show up late to work because making breakfast took longer than expected?

Do you show up to church exhausted and can barely stay awake during a boring sermon?

Are you worried that people may think you have Coronavirus because of this (and that coughing too)?

Friend, what you need to do is buy our CRAP product! Trust us, you’ve gotta cee* it!

Dubbed by many (well, our mums) to be “just what the world needs” our can of CRAP is just the thing you need in order to never show up late again and instantly feel refreshed, and ready to start your day!

And best of all, this product can be yours for the low low price of $11.12/£25.75 per can.

Yes, our Calming Refreshing Alertness Power (CRAP) drink will make more of a difference to your life than stockpiling toilet rolls in a crisis!

“I always start my day off with a can of CRAP,” said Benny Hinn, “gives me the energy to knock out COVID19 and twitter trolls.”

“I feel stressed when I worry about keeping up with modern trends,” said Kip Whitt Jones, “but after drinking CRAP, I feel great!”

“CRAP is the best thing I’ve ever consumed!” said an unbiased Cee Intern, who would’ve lost their job if they’d said anything else.

Each can of C.R.A.P. contains the following organic ingredients:

  1. Black coffee
  2. Acai juice
  3. Tea Earl Grey, Hot
  4. Lemon juice
  5. Jersey Cow Milk
  6. Goat Milk
  7. Soy Milk
  8. An entire English breakfast pureed
  9. Honey
  10. Waffles
  11. Toast
  12. French Toast
  13. Is anyone actually
  14. reading this list?
  15. If not we could write
  16. all sorts here and
  17. no-one would notice
  18. Donuts
  19. Strawberries
  20. Apple Sauce
  21. Bagels
  22. Malt Vinegar
  23. Ranch Dressing
  24. Raw Eggs
  25. Pumpkin Spice
  26. Water

We trust that you will prayerfully consider, buying a case of CRAP now!

*Apologies, the editor meant to remove this awful pun, but the trauma of reading it caused him to scream “my eyes, my eyes!” before being taken away by a mental health team.

Reporter: The lonely rogue

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