100 Things You Can Enjoy As A Christian…and Why

Church Life

In a world so full of negativity and doom and gloom, we here at the Salty Cee have taken it upon ourselves to list the Top 100 things you can enjoy as a Christian. If you enjoy things that are not on this list then to quote John Crist, “Check your heart.”

  1. Coffee. God made it, and it is good.
  2. Star Wars. The Force is clearly an allegory for the Holy Spirit.  Except for the midi-chlorians bit. That’s a load of rubbish.
  3. Facebook. How else can you share your faith on the internet?
  4. Supporting the President. Regardless of who is in the Oval Office, pray for that man. But not if it’s a woman, because… well, we don’t know why, exactly, but women aren’t supposed to be presidents.
  5. Pastors that preach from the Bible. If they preach from anything else, you can throw rocks at them. The Bible says so somewhere. Probably in the first part.
  6. YouTube. But only videos from preachers you like, how-to videos that show you how to repair stuff around your house, and old DC Talk music videos.
  7. Sports Centered Video Games. Except NHL games from the early 90’s where you can make Wayne Gretzky’s head bleed.
  8. Backyard Barbecues. Unless there’s alcohol being served.
  9. Applebee’s. As long as you don’t eat in the bar.
  10. Lord of the Rings. Yes, there’s wizards, but not like… Harry Potter wizards.
  11. Movies that don’t say the “F word.” NO EXPLANATION NECESSARY.
  12. The Local News at 5. The 10 o’clock news is the same stuff, but more vulgar, so avoid that.
  13. Movies with Kurt Russell in them. This may contradict Number 11, but come on. He’s Kurt Russell.
  14. The Bible. This is how God speaks to us, without using a fog machine.
  15. Supporting our Troops. But don’t just support them, make sure you tell everyone you do support them. Make it awkward if you have to.
  16. Old Episodes of Matlock. Because there aren’t any new episodes.
  17. iPhones and Android. Don’t use Blackberry like the pagans do.
  18. Instagram. Post pictures of yourself doing your devotionals so people know you did them.
  19. Youth Pastors. They make the perfect scapegoat for all of your parenting failures, because it’s their job to fix your children!
  20. The Salty Cee. We don’t discuss other Christian Satire sites, because we’re self-promoting like that.
  21. Wireless Chargers for your Cell Phones. This may seem like witchcraft, and admittedly we were fooled, too, at first. But no, there’s actual science behind it. Like the science you find in Genesis.
  22. Twitter. See #3.
  23. Bowling. Because it is not a violent sport, and it’s a good witness to others when you throw countless gutter balls without saying swears.
  24. Church. This is where we go to judge those who wear shorts to church.
  25. Sandwiches cut into triangles. These are a pot luck staple, so knock yourself out. Unless they’re tuna salad, because those are mine. All of them.
  26. John Crist videos. He’s kind of like our hero here at the Salty Cee. He’s funny, original, and he’s clearly old enough to have started losing his hair but hasn’t.
  27. British people. Put the Revolutionary War behind you, America. They’re as nice as Canadians.
  28. The Church Van. Because that thing is clearly kept running on gas, oil, and the Holy Spirit.
  29. Good weather. Proof God loves you.
  30. Bad weather. It rains on the unjust just a little more than it rains on us.
  31. Buffets. As long as your pastor preaches fast enough for you to beat the rival denomination to them.
  32. Pants. Because they aren’t shorts. Shorts not only expose your pasty white, hairy legs, but also your sin.
  33. Pizza. It’s almost lunch time, and I’m writing this on an empty stomach.
  34. Spider-Man comic books. Unless he’s teaming up with Doctor Strange, because Doctor Strange is clearly a witch, and should have been burned at the stake centuries ago.
  35. Security Cameras. How else are you going to keep your Bible Commentaries safe from thieves?
  36. Evangelical Outreaches in the Community. You can judge the non-church members who participate, that’s half the fun. But do it quietly!
  37. Have I mentioned coffee? It’s the best, and as a Christian on the internet, I’m obligated to make this joke at least twice more.
  38. Not Snapchat. You better not be posting selfies of yourself with cat ears and googly eyes or we’re going to judge you. A lot.
  39. Home Schooling. Don’t contaminate your child’s mind with talk of dinosaurs and socialism!
  40. The Chronicles of Narnia. Again, there’s a witch, but she’s bad. And there’s a talking lion, which is cool.
  41. Daredevil on Netflix. I mean, he’s a Catholic, but he’s as close to a Christian superhero as we’re likely to get so… just roll with it. Unless he ever teams up with Doctor Strange, in which case…
  42. Church Camp. This is where you will no doubt meet your future spouse at the age of 15.
  43. Classical Music. By this, we do not mean “Classic Rock.” We mean like, Beethoven and Mozart.
  44. Christian Memes. Those things are funny and so relatable. And I rarely feel offended by them.
  45. Christmas. It’s celebrating Jesus’ birth and if you tell your kids about SATAN CLAUSE you may as well expect them to never trust you again.
  46. Major League Baseball. Because those guys don’t kneel in protest to anything, amen?
  47. Pie. Because it’s American and amazing. There are so few things we can really say that about anymore, am I right? Well, except for Baseball. Which we’ve covered already.
  48. Doctor Who. He’s not a witch. Well, he’s not even a “he” anymore… maybe this show shouldn’t be on the list, actually, especially now it’s become Doctor SJW…
  49. Worship Pastors. Unless they’re wearing skinny jeans. Then we pray them out.
  50. Chairs over Church Pews. Sure, pews are classic, but the chairs are more comfortable. Plus, there’s more seating, which equals more people you can glare at during the altar call.
  51. Board Games. Checkers, Chess, Connect 4, Monopoly. Basically anything except Ouija boards, or Dungeons and Dragons because that’s how you get demons. Like, seriously, don’t play with Ouija boards.
  52. Altar Calls with every head bowed, every eye closed. Because not every eye is closed. We’re watching you.
  53. Batman. Because he’s Batman.
  54. The Unbelievable? Podcast with Justin Brierly. Because where else can you listen to Christians argue like Mom and Dad but still feel good about it?
  55. Gas Station Pizza. Yes, you may be putting God to a foolish test here, but what a delicious, cheesy test it is!
  56. The Church Bulletin. Let’s be honest, you aren’t reading it, but it makes for a good bookmark in your Bible.
  57. Easter. When Jesus died and rose from the grave so you can have eternal life, so you can forget all about that and tell your children lies about a bunny that poops chocolate eggs.
  58. Fart Jokes. Whether you’re 4 or 400, they’re still funny, and they’re as close to “dirty jokes” as a Christian should ever get.
  59. Smug people. They make you feel like a better Christian, because at least you’re not like them. Amen?
  60. Coffee. One more joke about this to go, but you knew it was coming. I warned you back at #37.
  61. The elderly. They’ve survived longer than most of us on this planet, show some respect.
  62. Kids Pastors. Sure, their job is as easy as telling kids Jesus loves them and throwing candy at children, but they also have the task of vacuuming up glitter and that’s hard work.
  63. Words with Friends. How else are you supposed to pass the time when Pastor’s sermon is boring?
  64. Hunting/Trapping/Fishing. Look, God killed animals for clothing way back in Genesis. So if you have a problem with this one, take it up with Him.
  65. Loving Your Spouse. I added this because I needed brownie points after I let the kids play with markers. Don’t ask.
  66. The Strong’s Concordance. You probably never learned how to read Greek, Hebrew, or Aramaic, but learning how to use this book is basically the same thing.
  67. Lists of things we can enjoy as Christians. Because personal conviction just isn’t that reliable.
  68. Church greeters. They make you feel welcomed when you first walk in, but clearly know that’s the easiest job in your church so you can judge them for being lazy.
  69. Pureflix. Let’s see how many Kirk Cameron movies you can tolerate in one month.
  70. Christian Athletes. Tim Tebow. Shawn Michaels. Carson Wentz. If they’re Christians, we support them and hope they win every bowl and series and championship belt.
  71. Church Janitors. Support the people who clean up all that glitter when the Kid’s Pastor finally gave up.
  72. Mother’s Day. What other holiday can you make dad’s feel inadequate and have people clap about it?
  73. Arguing about Pineapple on Pizza. Because arguing about doctrinal positions is soooo last century.
  74. The Side Hug. You knew this would be on the list at some point, right? We didn’t forget it!
  75. Kindness. Because you can always be nice to people, you idiot.
  76. Good Parenting. Go ahead and let your kid scream because you told them they can’t have that $400 Power Wheels camper. Don’t give in. We’re behind you, sister.
  77. Tipping your waiters and waitresses. Don’t be that type of Christian. You know what we’re talking about. And don’t tip with tracts that look like money. We’re looking at you, Tracey.
  78. Jokes about Mormons and Jehovah’s Witnesses. Let’s face it, you’re likely not going to convert them with love, or discussing why their beliefs are not Biblical. So have fun with it.
  79. The Church Sound Guy. Who else can maneuver the volume of the lead guitar and the worship slides in such a way without resorting to sorcery?
  80. Satire. Are they joking? Are they serious? It’s the best kind of humor, and completely endorsed here at the Salty Cee.
  81. The Church Secretary. Bless her heart, she sure tries to look like she’s working.
  82. Sunday School. The foundation for 90% of our theology, whether it’s right or wrong.
  83. Laffy Taffy. Good, clean jokes with a candy that’ll make your dentist smile all the way to the bank.
  84. Chick Tracts. These were the first comic books most Christians ever read.
  85. All Pastors we may have left out. Because it’s Pastor Appreciation Month and we kind of had to put them on the list.
  86. Fall Harvest Festivals. Don’t call it a Halloween party. Don’t come dressed up. Don’t celebrate the devil’s holiday. And stop with the Trunk or Treat already, we know you mean Halloween!
  87. Cross themed Jewelry. How else can you show you’re a Christian without explicitly telling someone you’re a Christian?
  88. Christian themed tattoos. Checkmate #87.
  89. Crocs. Okay, okay, but hear me out. They’re like, super comfortable and they’re almost as comfortable as that time you wore socks with your sandals. And Jesus wore sandals. So…
  90. Foot Washing Services. We debated adding this to the list, because feet are gross. But Jesus did it, so be like Jesus and wash literal feet. That’s the whole point of what He was getting at, right?
  91. Baptism. Not for babies, though.
  92. Prayer Requests that aren’t masked Gossip. “Pray for Sister Beulah, because she’s really going through a hard time, you know, since her son is now hooked on the Snapchat.”
  93. Lunch Breaks. Because I finally went and ate something and now I have the energy to finish this list.
  94. Communion. Because Jesus said we’re supposed to.
  95. Coffee. See? That’s the last time I am mentioning it, but I bet you thought I’d save it for #100. Well, I didn’t. See, you don’t really know me like you think you do!
  96. People Named Jeff. Because the media portrays them unfairly. Think about it – every TV show that has a guy named Jeff either portrays him as a loser, or an arrogant jerk. But usually, guys named “Jeff” are pretty nice. Unless they spell it like “Geoff.” Watch out for those guys.
  97. Pumpkin Spiced Stuff. You can enjoy it, but don’t over do it, okay? Just because Communion shouldn’t be pumpkin spiced doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy a pumpkin spiced beverage.
  98. The seasons – well, 3 out of 4. You can enjoy Spring, Summer, and definitely Autumn, but only weirdos and pagans enjoy Winter. Except the Christmas part and we’ve covered that.
  99. The “Not the Bible Books.” I needed to get in good with my editor, having not written as many articles as I should have. So check out his books on Amazon.
  100. Long lists that really make no sense but make you laugh. Just enjoy them. If you didn’t agree with everything on the list, just complain about it on the internet like a normal person.

And that’s the list! What did we leave out that you think should have been included? Let us know, after checking your heart, of course!

Reporter: Crass Christian

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