Liturgical Medical Face Masks Now on Sale

President Donald Trump today highlighted a new religious product line of face masks as more evidence that “America is the greatest country that has ever existed.”

Since Paris Fashion Week launched Easter facial masks as a replacement for the traditional Easter Bonnet, every company has been trying to get a slice of this rapidly growing market.

With the American government preparing to relax its constraints on congregational worship services, now is the opportune time to release Christian themed face masks in a variety of liturgical colors.

The colors are based on the annual church calendar, which begins with Advent, and is traditionally associated with purple or blue.

Surprisingly, despite LifeWay being a market leader for Christian clothing (such as their popular “as the deer” pants) they are not the company behind this new line of Christian face masks . 

Instead, this product is being produced by Rich Man’s Treasure™ of Goshen, Kentucky. CEO Abner Creasey says, “this is our latest effort to capitalize on the current plague.”

This noble company also produces amulets to ward off the “teeny, tiny virus bugs.” Creasey added that the amulets also protect from the evil eye.

“During our product planning day at the Witch’s Castle in nearby Indiana, we came up with a variety of ideas we think will sell well across the country. We’re only too happy to produce clothing that will appeal to every precious spiritual belief out there.”

Eleanor Carnegie of Fashionable Ecclesiasticals™ in New York City dismissed the Kentucky venture. “Those rubes don’t have a clue what they’re doing. We’ve been working with elegant liturgical vestments for years, and they didn’t even know there were traditional colors for the different seasons until two weeks ago!”

Dr. Bernard Castlebaum of Castlebaum Theological College dismissed the entire subject. “God could not care less what color a person is wearing . . . as long as the clothing is modest and no ankles or wrists are revealed.”

A follow-up interview with Rich Man’s Treasure™ inquired about the yellow color of their prototype mask. “Well,” Creasey responded, “we learned too late that yellow is not a church color—even though it should be, as it reminds us of the yellow sun and we know Christians are real big on God’s sun! But we ain’t gonna throw them away as that isn’t good for the environment and all that, so we’re gonna use them on the festival days when churches use red. As our red coloring unfortunately turned out to be carcinogenic, so after we sell those off, we’ll be switching to the yellow for those days.”

Reporter: Robert Charlesson