Man hospitalised after getting his wife nothing on Valentine’s Day


“I don’t understand it,” were Jim’s first words as he regained consciousness after sustaining life-threatening injuries in a brutal Valentine’s Day attack.

“I mean, one minute my wife was her loving usual self and then the next she became a totally deranged beast.”

Our reporter gentle enquires as to what precipitated this transformation.

“I genuinely have no idea. I had just given her a kiss and wished her a happy Valentine’s Day before heading out when she shouted, ‘Is that it?'”

“‘Is what it?’ I asked and then she spat, ‘Is there nothing else?'”

“I stood there confused for the longest time. I wondered at first if she was referring to Valentine’s Day, but I discounted that thought pretty quickly.”

“After all, I had careful enquired whether she wanted anything for Valentine’s and she emphatically said that I ‘didn’t have to get her anything’ despite me asking her twice. And I had complied with her wishes in that regard. Hence, I was scratching my head to think what else it could be…”

“When I came up with nothing, I replied, ‘I’m sorry Honey, I don’t know what you’re talking about.’ and that’s when she went BALLISTIC and started attacking me…”

Luckily for Jim, one of his neighbours phoned the police or things could have been a lot worse for him. 

“I think I now understand a little bit of what St Valentine endured during his martyrdom…” Jim trails off thoughtfully.

Sadly, it appears that Jim is not alone in suffering this kind of persecution on Valentine’s Day.  We have heard numerous reports from men all over the country that share the same basic features.

We contacted Jed Thomas, chief researcher at the Institute of Research, “This strange behaviour seems to be confined to women on Valentine’s Day or their birthdays when their husbands or boyfriends get them the nothing that they asked for.  Despite extensively questioning of the men we cannot find any other common features to link these attacks.  Therefore, we have to conclude that it is just tragic coincidence.”

It appears the best we can do is highlight the dangers to men all over the world.


Reporter: John Spencer aka Not the Bible 

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