Pope Bestows Sainthood on Stan Lee

NEW YORK, NEW YORK: The Daily Bugle and their intrepid photojournalist scooped our story today to reveal that Pope Francis has canonized the late Stan Lee, of Marvel Comics fame.

Usually, the process of declaring sainthood takes decades, but the panel of the Congregation for Cause of Saints acknowledged the speed at which today’s events start trending, become viral, and end up forgotten. St. Stan will become the patron saint of superheroes. Nightcrawler for one is head over heels over the news.

A Vatican spokesperson had this to say:

“The abrupt nature of this announcement was to ensure Facebook likes were still being granted to heartfelt posts about Stan Lee’s demise from casual fans who may have seen a Marvel movie or two but never flipped open a comic book. Of course, sainthood does require eyewitness accounts of miracles. In this case, two have been verified: that Stan Lee wrote issues 1-114 of “The Fantastic Four”, and that both cinematic adaptations of those lovable misfits were such disasters.”

Previous saints, such as Mother Teresa, demonstrated superpowers such as compassion and empathy. Stan Lee is credited with preventing fornication, due to the posters, action figures, and other signs of nerdom adorning the bedrooms of teenage boys (and acting as a preemptive contraceptive). This is also why the pope was able to skip the beatification step for St. Stan.

For promoting chastity, the creators of My Little Pony and even Beanie Babies may also be eligible for sainthood on similar grounds once they die, hopefully at a ripe, old, cameo-filled age like Stan Lee has.

Reporter: Dripping Ether