Breaking News: Every Bass Player is Same Guy

Church Life

CLEVELAND, OH–Rumors have swirled that the true number of guitar bass players in the world is approximately one.

An omnipresent one, but one none the less.

This startling fact was uncovered at Independent Church of Independent Followers last Sunday. The church prides itself on a cutting-edge worship team–they sold the organ and choir robes to buy a DJ turntable and new synthesizer last year.

The lead singer for the 8:17 morning service (not to be confused with the 9:22 service when the fog machine and strobe lights are turned off to be asthma and epilepsy friendly) wore his usual tight black pants made of leather, polyester, or perhaps Glad garbage bags.

The keyboardist had the requisite number of rips in her jeans to appear relevant but not out of place. Along with the backup singers and the awkward guy who rattles a tambourine every few minutes, the bass player was remarkably unmemorable.

Because no one volunteers for anything else at Independent Church, musicians follow a complex eight-week rotation that forces them to occasionally help with parking, the nursery, and similarly thankless jobs.

“Oh good, they aren’t as good as we will be when we rotate on stage next week,” Mary Jameson smugly told herself as the tambourine jingled offbeat from the bongos. With a start, she realized that the nameless faces in the background of the musicians included the same bass player from last week, and the week before that, and the week before that.

In fact, he also played at the last church she went to before she was kicked out for running a pyramid scheme, and the one before that, and the church before that, too.

She had always assumed that the person laying down bass riffs was one of eight different men with stringy hair and a nondescript t-shirt stretched over a chubby belly.

But no, this was the same man who politely refused to buy essential oils from her last week, even when everyone else on the worship team with an unimportant job made a purchase.

Didn’t he know that while every other brand was simply smelly water, the products she sold could cure anything from arthritis to xenophobia based on theological inconsistencies?

And with that, Mary started looking for unsuspecting visitors to sign up for her multi-level marketing platform, and her great discovery stayed a secret.

The End

Reporter:  Dripping Ether

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