Catholic Attendants SHOCKED to learn Churches were Socially Distanced

PALM BEACH, FL – All over the country, Catholic Masses are resuming service from the Covid-19 Pandemic and attendants are shocked to learn that they have been socially distancing upon their return.

Empty pews fill the Palm Beach church as every other row is roped off with signs such as “Passover this Pew”, “Jesus skipped food for 40 Days; you can skip this Pew”, and “This Pew Reserved for Filioque Deniers”.

“I don’t believe it,” says Robert Maxwell, a regular at St. Paul, “It looks exactly the same”.

Unfortunately, for the church, it appears that it’s not only the roped-off pews that are empty. Another attendant, Adriana Ross, was in disbelief at the fact that church social distancing was taking place. “I sat in my usual seat,” she says, “And everyone else sat in their usual seat. We’ve been CDC compliant, and yet it’s no more cold or distant than it was before”.

Reports from other churchgoers go on to say that attendance hasn’t changed post-pandemic-quarantine. “Yep, we’re pretty much all here,” says Paul Allen, “even got a couple o’ new fellas. Haven’t met them yet.”

However, new churchgoers, seeking answers to the calamities we’ve faced this year, have been reassured of the measures taken.

One newcomer, who attended as a child and fell away from the faith was desperate to find meaning again and decided the church would have the answers. When asked for comment, new attendant Horace Trumbauer responded, “I was worried about how safe I’d be in a close social gathering such as this – but the church kindly gave me a row to myself, everyone kept at least 6 foot from me and did their best to avoid any interaction that might have passed on COVID. I will say though,” he continued, “it is nice to finally see the masks everyone puts on.”

Reporter: Miles Mortali