Fundraiser Offers Victory Chocolate Bars Untouched by the Poor

BIXBY, OK–This was a confusing story for our reporter to cover until he saw the church sign.

It all started with a church-sanctioned candy bar fundraiser, as opposed to the more common unsanctioned trap-the-visitor-in-the-back-hallway-and-sell-them-Amway-products.

Normally these events run as smoothly as the third offering at Claim your Victory Church of Victory (CVCV). Those with whom God is most pleased with have the most money to spare for $1 candy bars, and those who lack faith, and therefore money, have to hope that communion is filling enough to last for the week.

Since leadership encourages entrepreneurship and wild moon shots, CVCV decided to make their own chocolate bars.

Since the youth group has plenty of time during their short-term mission trips to Ecuador to take selfies with impoverished children, why not harvest some cocoa beans in between photo shoots?

Upon their return, the kids could make the chocolate in the church fellowship hall, which is usually deserted because becoming a winner takes a lot of time and giving—you can’t hang out with just anyone.

Also, the church had to cancel potlucks after someone with a shellfish allergy couldn’t handle all the escargot and lobster tails victorious parishioners brought.

After a four-hour board meeting, members decided to rename the church “Claim your Victory Victorious Church of Victory and Chocolate” (CVVCVC) and trademark the chocolate as Victory Bars.

Eating these chocolate bars ensures that one’s victorious life remains undefiled by those whose lack of faith has prevented them from living the blessed life.

Reporter: Dripping Ether