Hal Lindsey 2020 prophecies revealed!

Church Life

Feeling envious of the “successful” John Hagee 2020 predictions, Hal Lindsey has also released his list regarding the future of 2020!

We at the Cee ask that you consider Mr. Lindsey’s predictions carefully like the Wise Men did 2000 years ago. We also ask that you ignore his previous errors of claiming that the apocalypse would occur in the 1980’s, in the year 2000, and before the year 2018.  Instead, think of him being like the example of the persistent widow. 

Prediction #1

Halloween 2020 Will Be The Scariest One Yet.
“Out of all the Halloweens,” said Lindsey, “this one will be the Halloweeniest! There will be children walking the streets late into the evening, and people will be wearing masks in nearly every town, much like the druids of Ireland did!”

“The best way to combat this blatant druidic ritual will be to give out extra Bibles, tracts, and holy toothbrushes to each trick-or-treater you meet.”

Fortunately for us, Hal Lindsey just happens to have a stock of these holy toothbrushes which are available for the bargain price of $49.99.

Prediction #2

The USA Election Will Trigger Protests.
“Americans will be so morose, that they will protest their own leader! This is tantamount to treason.”

Don’t listen to the nay-sayers who claim that this happens after every election.  If it happens this time then it is only because of Mr Lindsey’s hot-line to the future.

Prediction #3

There will be mass animal sacrifice in late November.
“Rather than eat, drink, and be merry, as per freedom in Christ, many Americans will insist on sacrificing birds near the end of November. Even to the point of stuffing these birds with bread and gravy and eating them together as a family! This will be done as a blatant expression of forced worship.”

Prediction #4

More Parents Will Deceive Their Children
“In December, moms and dads will lie to their children about the existence of a jolly, rotund, bearded individual who will deliver gifts on December 25. A widespread deception!”

We at the Cee are eagerly waiting to see if these specific predictions hold true or not.

 Reporter: The lonely rogue

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