Hipsters Can’t Compete with Mormon Style

East Hill, Pensacola, Florida: Crisp white shirts and teeth to match. Name badges. Nice hair and bike. Yes, Mormon missionaries really spruce up the place, whether pedalling through manicured neighborhoods or rolling up to a non-denominational beach concert for easy pickings.

“It’s hard to compete with their on-point, top-of-mind branding,” relates lead pastor/sk8ter boi emeritus Thad Wilkins of Rock Life Center.

“Tossing tracts at people from our skateboards and giving people bottles of water with our logo on the label just can’t compete with those nice friendly smiles, and we’ve even invested in whitening toothpaste.”

The answer?

P Thad, as Pastor Wilkins prefers to be called, wants to gentrify their outreach ministry. A Segway or two or maybe some electric scooters might help mix it up, but start with better bikes than the Mormons.

This holds true especially in the type of neighborhoods where rickety cottages sell at a premium on account of being quaint and vintage.

Because the locals enjoy leisurely bike rides themselves, the element of surprise exists. Neighbors are less likely to dart into their homes at the first squeak of a bike horn or mention of holy undergarments.

Not that discomfort is one-sided, as continual invitations to avocado toast and sweet tea don’t always agree with Utahn metabolisms.

Another potential witnessing opportunity copies the tried and true method of secular proselytization–having a less attractive wingman or wingwoman at your side when going out: “They’re sure to prefer me and my message over my ugly wingman every time!”

So far, however, bar-hopping hasn’t helped.  Although P Thad did manage to sample some “sweet cocktails.”

Instead, P Thad suggests orbiting the angry men in suits holding up hellfire and brimstone signs while preaching into their megaphones.

“Just how could they resist?”

More information is available on his TikTok, podcast, and newly released book paired with a new sermon series.

Each purchase comes with a nice pair of slacks and some dental floss.

No news on whether P Thad is yet to try shaving.

Reporter: Dripping Ether