Jehovah’s Witnesses switch to carrier pigeons

Church Life

Chicago, IL -The Jehovah’s Witnesses High Command has approved the use of carrier pigeons in lieu of the Coronavirus Pandemic; as e-mail does not seem to be working.

The Government’s quarantine restrictions have severely curtailed the usual door-to-door approach to evangelism and despite their claims that this was an essential journey, no exemption was made.

“At first, we moved to an evangelism by e-mail campaign, but it hasn’t really paid off,” said Jehovah’s Witnesses President Don A. Adams, “what we thought we fruitful conversations turned out to be Nigerian scammers.”

Don lamented, “It seems an ever uphill struggle to convince people to join a church that requires a works-based salvation in today’s capitalist society However, these cute holy birds may be just the ticket to help warm up the potential convert first.”

Pigeons are currently being trained 24/7 at a farm just outside of Chicago. Pigeon training includes carrying Watchtower Magazines (the Jehovah’s Witnesses publication) and tracts, finding the homes of undiscerning citizens, pecking three times on a door or window, waiting for it to open and then cooing in a cute manner before dropping the magazines and then returning to base.

“Our feathered friends have served many noble purposes throughout the years,” said firm J.W. believer Willy Nilly, “Why, divine foul helped Noah on the ark and helped the English Army send messages in World War 2, and what could be better than now delivering our fine publications!  Heck, they should be counted as essential workers.”

However, their lawyers would like to remind everyone that their church is not responsible should the birds leave anything else on your car, home, or shoulders.

Reporter: The lonely rogue

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