Local church closes for summer to find wayward sheep

Church summer attendance is poor as vacationers can’t seem to get their schedules coordinated and often leave the pastor with an audience of one.

Frustrated beyond belief, local church pastor Bishop A. B. Ceedee decided to close for the summer months to find his wayward sheep.

His summer beach mission program motto was “if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em.”

He put a closed sign on the main entrance of the church along with his cell number in the event that someone would desire to attend the worship service.

Upon reaching the beach, he entered a tiki bar and saw three of his deacons and the organ player living it up. After confronting them about why they didn’t have this much energy and commitment to God’s house, they answered that they needed a change of scenery from the inner city landscape of sidewalks and were newly inspired by the sounds of the ocean.

This prompted Ceedee to purchase a run-down office building and start his own ministry.

We are excited to announce that the first service was held last Sunday morning, bright and early at 3:00 PM, after everyone rolled out of bed and hit the beach for a few hours. Beach Baptist Church is truly making waves in the community and Pastor Ceedee has found a new sense of purpose—surfing (I mean, evangelizing the beach goers).

Moral of this article: if your pastor loves you, he will chase you to the beach and force you to go to church—or something like that.

Reporter: Angry Nursery Worker