Nike Forbidden from Using “Sacrifice™”

BEAVERTON, OR A few days ago, Salty Cee rocked the corporate world with an in-depth analysis revealing that Nike isn’t a Christian company.

No one saw this coming—not when Nike stood by Tiger Woods after he cheated on his wife, nor when they dropped Manny Pacqiou for sharing Christian viewpoints about homosexuality.

They’re not even Republican.

At least the foreign children who make their products aren’t unionized. The kids probably will have to work overtime if customers continue to buy Nike products, burn them, and buy more because now they don’t have a pair of sneakers to match the selfie workout clothes required to document athletic activity on the Internet.

Nike shortages remain likely once Adidas completes their time machine. This will allow Nike customers to avoid hypocrisy by going back in time to burn Nike apparel after every instance one of their athletes beat up a woman or family member.

Reasonable alternatives for those now wishing to boycott the company include wearing Chik-fil-A waffle fries or making shoes from supplies bought at Hobby Lobby.

However, breaking news suggests that Nike’s mediocre ad featuring a mediocre football player doesn’t matter. This is not because a new compromise encourages all NFL players to tilt their bodies at a 45-degree angle as the flag is displayed. Rather, the word sacrifice™ in the Colin Kaepernick ad was trademarked 2,000 years ago by our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

In modern times, only the military sacrifices™. Nobody else counts. They sacrifice™ for the flag™, the anthem™, and of course military discounts.

This monopoly understandably outrages nurses, teachers, martyrs (no, wait, they’re already dead, so I take that back) and the guy who took one for the team and willingly picked the cubicle next to the co-worker who chews her food loudly.

Much like the selfie mentioned earlier, it’s important for our readers to understand that even if they can no longer use the word sacrifice™, suffering for an opinion doesn’t count unless everyone knows it.

Just today we had to close down the Salty Cee office because so many valiant reporters went without a shower so we could make it work on time.

That is the true spirit of sacrifice, even if it costs you everything.

Reporter: Dripping Ether