Puppet Ministry to Explain Calvinism, Depicts Tyndale Burned at Stake

CHARLESTON, WEST VIRGINIA—Every Sunday morning service at Reformed Reformation Revival Church, the children are gathered together so they won’t be underfoot as the adults worship/sleep.

Until now, it’s been a glorified free babysitting service where children learn to not color outside the lines and occasionally extrapolate Christian truths from talking vegetables.

That all changed when the church offered backup pianist James Rovers $50 weekly to become the children’s pastor. 

His new puppet ministry started mildly enough, with three way transubstantiation discussions between Calvin, Luther, and Zwingli about communion.

Parents didn’t raise concerns until more elaborate explanations of Calvinism included the burning of William Tyndale at the stake.

It was nice not to pretend hideous popsicle crafts brought home every Sunday were precious works of art, but some children did cry as the Tyndale puppet proved to be highly flammable. It was unfair, really. The children for the second service had to use their imaginations as the Tyndale puppet was already a tangled black ball of singed cotton and polyester fibers.

Despite objections, the puppet ministry shows are becoming increasingly elaborate. As the theme of next week’s lesson is “Taking Things Too Far”, the planned performance will feature both the suicide of Judas Iscariot and David delivering 200 very specific Philistine body parts to King Saul in order to marry his daughter Michal. 

Reporter: Dripping Ether