Struggling Minnesota church asks Millennials to leave

In a last-ditch effort to reach the ageing Baby Boomer generation, Shady Grove Congregational Church is telling the Millennials to find another place to worship.

The church wants to attract the largest demographic group, which coincidentally also has the most money. Though they assure us their reasons are purely spiritual.

“We don’t want to lose their souls before it’s too late,” says Pastor Mark Snelgrove, “And naturally we want to give them an opportunity to use their money to store up treasures in heaven.  After all, they can’t take it with them.”

The church believes that Boomers would attend if it weren’t for the Millennials and their pestering questions, rap music and obsessive focus on peculiar young adult issues and young families.

“We have been through these ourselves and quite frankly we’re tired of it,” said worship director Jeanne McMurtry, aged 66. “Every time we sing a song by Larry Norman, 2nd Chapter of Acts, Keith Green, or any other song that sounds like Classic Rock, the Millennials go completely silent and still, weirding us all out. Then they all look puzzled when someone quotes from the Living Bible”

“Boomers are actually the key to nationwide revival,” added Pastor Snelgrove, “Millennials think they are all about human rights, anti-war, the environment, wellness, fitness and tech. But WE invented all those things, we were the first to champion their causes. I mean, haven’t they seen Forrest Gump?  Besides the Boomers have money not words which will really make a change to our church building and these other noble causes.”

A church memo recommends Millennials stay away for decade or so and then consult with the pastor if they’d like to re-join. However, since most members of the congregation are under 40 years old there has been pushback.

“This is totally wrong,” parishioner Ron Brown told the newspaper. “They are discriminating against us because of our age and our hipster looks.”

“The thing that gets me,” added Snelgrove, “Is at the time when we discussed these ideas they kept saying ‘Ok’, and ‘Boomer’, so I’m not sure why they are complaining now”

The church plans to start a coffeehouse outreach to the Boomers called the “Jesus Rap” next month. 

Reporter: Awsum Preacher