CDC recommends wearing capes to protect against asteroids


Following the CDC’s guidance on the wearing of face masks to combat the spread of the Coronavirus (though sadly not the bacon face mask), they have decided to use their surging popularity to help stop other dangerous events.

Like asteroids.

“It would be easy to dismiss the chance of death from asteroids as small,” said a CDC spokesperson, “but we won’t rest until that probability is zero.”

 “That’s why we’re asking people to wear a cape to help protect against the risk of being killed by an asteroid.”

 Our reporter asked the CDC for the evidence that wearing capes will protect individuals.

“Can you name one person wearing a cape who has been killed by an asteroid?”

Our reporter could not.

“Well surely that indicates the effectiveness of wearing capes.  Anyway, it’s obvious that an asteroid would be blown off course by the flapping of a cape.”

Our reporter asked about the studies showing this effect.

“Studies aren’t needed in the case where the benefits are self-evident.  The real question is: is there any evidence that capes do not provide protection?”

Given that our reporter could not name a single study that indicated that capes have no effect on the probability of death by an asteroid, we at the Cee have to agree. 

Indeed, we at the Cee can’t find any studies about the efficacy of capes in preventing any ill effects whatsoever, and so we fully support the CDC requesting that governments mandate cape wearing immediately. 

Reporter: Talula Noone

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