Dick and Janey discuss: Righteous Punishment for the Houston Astros
Announcer: The cheating scandal involving the Houston Astros has the baseball world up in arms. Dick and Janey, talk show hosts of Yucky World, will be discussing this with Major League Baseball President Rob Manfred.
Janey: Welcome to Yucky World, Mr. Manfred.
Dick: Play ball! Batter up!
Janey: Dick used to announce baseball games.
Janey: You know, the kind where you knock a spitball around with a pencil on a piece of paper with a baseball diamond drawn on it.
Dick: Yeah, but I never cheated. And, Mr. Manfred, you haven’t punished the real cheaters, the ballplayers, at all.
Manfred: Actually, you’re right and I’m here to announce some new penalties for the players.
Dick: Wowie! Kapowie!
Manfred: Ah…Some people want to put an asterisk next to Houston’s 2017 World Series championship, but you can’t change that. The Los Angeles Dodgers don’t want to win by default.
Janey: And you want to…
Manfred: Rename them as a punishment. Let’s call them the Houston Asterisks. That way there will always be an asterisk next to their name.
Dick: I like that. And I’ve got a suggestion…
Janey: Oh, oh! Spaghetti-O’s.
Dick: For their logo, how about a giant scarlet letter “A” with an asterisk right by it? To remind people of their sins.
Janey: I think it’s been done before.
Manfred: That’s seems awfully harsh.
Dick: Branding would be harsher. But if they were branded, it would be where the sun doesn’t shine and people would forget.
Manfred: I’m also banning all garbage can lids from Houston’s ballpark to end illegal signaling.
Janey: Won’t that stink up their ballpark?
Dick: They’ve already done that.
Manfred: In addition, this year Houston’s pitchers will be required to tell the batter what pitch they’ll be throwing…before they make the pitch.
Dick: Yeah, but it’s the hitters who benefited the most from cheating. What about having them bat topless so we’ll know they’re not wearing buzzers?
Janey: That could be a problem in some of the northern baseball parks when it gets cold.
Dick: Opposing pitchers will probably help them stay warm by throwing a lot of heaters, up close and personal.
Dick: That’s means fast balls, Janey.
Manfred: Also, we’re going to have a contest. I want a catchy slogan to remind the baseball world of the future what Houston did.
Dick: I…I think I’ve got one.
Dick: How about: “Say it ain’t so, Astro!”
Manfred: Well, it does rhyme.
Janey: It also sounds a little familiar.
Dick: I’ve got another idea.
Janey: Four ideas in five minutes. I may need CPR.
Dick: Humph! Houston needs a new mascot.
Manfred: And your suggestion is?
Dick: A cheetah…for the cheaters.
Manfred: That is pretty symbolic.
Janey: I’m not sure PETA will like that.
Dick: I’ll talk to him.
Dick: Pete Rose. As a player, he never cheated in any ballgames. There are no asterisks next to his name.
Recorder: Chuck Rivetto