EXCLUSIVE: Jeffrey Epstein issues posthumous statement!
A shocking new development in the Epstein conspiracy here in cyberspace. In an EXCLUSIVE to the Salty Cee, Jeffrey Epstein admits via a posthumous recorded statement that he did in fact, commit suicide!
Epstein was rumored to run a pedophile playground via his private island and allegedly had ties to the Clintons, Trumps, and other prominent world politicians. The initial report held that Epstein was detained and while in prison committed suicide.
However, the autopsy of Epstein revealed that he was in fact murdered by strangulation. Immediately after the forensic evidence on Epstein was released, millions of internet users demanded the truth about his death and to that end, created an ocean of Epstein memes.
However, in a Salty Cee EXCLUSIVE (those capitals illustrate just how amazing this is) we received a grainy VHS tape of Epstein reading out a statement from beyond the grave to clarify matters:
“Yes, I did in fact commit suicide. I was not murdered or coerced in any way, shape, or form. The Clintons and Trumps have never visited my private island so there is no reason for people to not vote for them.”
At first, we were skeptical of a statement released by a man who is clearly dead, however it was immediately endorsed by both President Trump and Hillary Clinton via their Twitter accounts!
We used to say, “It would be a cold day in hell if both Trump and Hillary agree on anything” and Epstein confirmed this in his closing comment about the “slight cooling” he’d experienced.
With this verified personal posthumous statement by the man himself everyone can now rest assured that Jeffrey Epstein was not murdered and so there is no reason whatsoever to write to your law makers demanding the truth.
And enough with those memes already!
Reporter: The lonely rogue