Frog Apprehended With Flypaper


Palo Alto, CA: Gab is a social media site created for users to #speakfreely without censorship.

Although all views are welcomed, by its very nature it tends to attract Uncle Steve—we all have one. Despite multiple attempts at redirection, every year Uncle Steve manages to share an incredibly awkward political view or loony conspiracy theory before Aunt Judy brings out the pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving.

Like other social media sites, perpetual anger isn’t a requirement to join Gab, but the onslaught of offensive, terrible opinions is a refreshing alternative to yet another pet or baby picture—sort of like a crisp bite of raw kale after a spoonful of frosting.

Naturally, candid conversation isn’t the Silicon Valley way, so Google, Apple, Facebook, and the like have united to stop Gab. Also Godaddy, because hosting porn sites is free speech but gathering all the crazies in one place so they can be monitored isn’t? Of course, there is that mass murderer who didn’t really stand out on Gab or Twitter, but this investigation isn’t about him, it’s about a frog.

Yes, the Gab frog, representing free speech denied the Hebrews by the Egyptians and resulting in the least lethal but most annoying plague ever this side of the Nile.

Mortified that free speech still exists on the Internet, poachers from all viewpoints on the political spectrum—just kidding, they’re liberals—stalked and apprehended the Gab frog.

Was he carrying guns and Bibles?

No, just flypaper: legal in the libertarian swamp he came from, but highly regulated in the state of California.

It’s just not fair to flies. They can’t even bootstrap their way to success, because most species prefer loafers.

Authorities placed the frog in a pot of water, hoping that the austere, sterile environment would cause him to only gab neutral, inoffensive ideas. He could post pleasant pictures detached from the reality of life; frolicking with his tadpoles at the beach, or perhaps holding hands with salamanders, snakes, and even toads while singing Kumbaya.

Listen, anything is possible on social media, so don’t email us with your flawed truth about snake hands.

Short of mind control for anyone offline voicing unacceptable opinions, the hope is that slowly raising the water temperature in the pot will convince the Gab frog and his followers to remain politically correct and play by the rules to earn likes, shares, and other Internet trinkets of appreciation. 

Reporter: Dripping Ether

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