Latest Conspiracy Theory: Elvis never existed (was really 5 different people)
We at the Cee bring you the latest in unverifiable conspiracy theories.
Apart from “who killed JFK?” and “why is belly button fluff is blue?” the next mystery on everyone’s mind is “what happened with Elvis?”
Sources tell us that THE Elvis may have never existed, but was, in fact, a corporate mash-up (called “the Elvis Conglomerate”) of 5 different individuals named Clarence, Wilkins, Felix, Jedidiah, and Slim.
Only a few people were privy to this information and now only a few more as most people have already given up hope of this article going anywhere.
Even spouses of the Elvis’ were left in the dark.
The five Elvis’ were referred to as:
- TV Elvis (Clarence): the original Elvis who actually died in the Vietnam war, so his duties were taken over by Live Performance Elvis although he was actually lip-syncing.
- Recording Elvis (Wilkins): he was actually an African American, but no one ever saw him in public. He also died in Vietnam, so a second individual was brought in to do some final recording. The “replacement Elvis” was never told what was going on, but “Elvis needed him to do his best Elvis impersonation”.
- Movie Elvis (Felix): aka TV Elvis post-Vietnam war – knew a few guitar chords but could not actually sing. He would lip sync, and no one would notice, because they were too busy watching his hips sway. He constantly had issues with his weight and would bounce back and forth. He married Priscilla and was dating Ginger Alden. He was the one who typically “lived” in Graceland.
- Live Performance Elvis (Jedidiah): He also went on to do Elvis impersonations after the “Elvis conglomerate” disbanded (after Movie Elvis died from an overdose). Ironically, he would typically come in 2nd or 3rd place.
- Photo op Elvis (Slim): did interviews, filled in when another Elvis was sick, would also do the occasional concert where the audience was kept at a distance. Could almost carry the tune. Would sing a lot without the guitar.
Movie Elvis, who married Priscilla, had a problem with younger women. Two other Elvises married out of the country in very private ceremonies – they were told the “Pricilla marriage” was for show and not official. Though that didn’t stop the fits of jealousy.
One of them was gay and the final one of them was a life-long vegan who gave rise to the peanut butter and banana craze which was the closest he ever got to a girlfriend.
Three were drug users – one who was dating Ginger Alden and living in Graceland when “Elvis died”. He, incidentally, was not the one dating Linda Thompson, which caused a brief commotion with the corporation. Still keeping up?
His “death” solved the problem of how they were going to wrap up the whole charade, which was almost busted on several occasions.
- Elvis releasing 3 films and 2 albums while supposedly on tour in Vietnam.
- A simultaneous scheduling of “Elvis” doing 2 performances on different sides of the country. They figured no one would know because of the lack of media.
- A few times, Movie Elvis was “indisposed”, and TV Elvis would fill in – the slight difference between the two was the ears, which they could never correct. It’s the reason you never see a direct shot of the ears in some of the movies.
Since the Elvis Conglomerate disbanded and many of the records of the scheme were intentionally destroyed or hidden, it has taken a group of Elvis Scholars many nights down the bar drinking shots and using the highly respectable and statistically reliable method of “casting colored rhinestones” to determine exactly which Elvis did what.
The sacrifice they have made to further our understanding of this mystery shall not be forgotten.
Reporter: Zarqnon the Embarrassed