Not to be outdone by stimulus check 2, Trump promises literal pennies from heaven!


After 9 months of wrangling, Congress has finally given the green light to the 5,593 page, $2.6 trillion COVID bill which costs each person $2,600 in debt and pays them back a fantastic stimulus check 2 of $600, with the rest of the money going important projects like Gender Studies in Pakistan.

However, it appears that Trump is going to veto this huge bill of pet projects in favour of his own stimulus program before he leaves office.

“It’s going to be the greatest recovery the world has ever seen,” he declared, “We’re going to be dropping pennies from heaven.  I don’t mean literally ‘from heaven’ of course, since I don’t like sharing the credit with anyone else.  But I do mean ‘pennies’ literally though. We’ll be dropping gazillions of pennies, all across the country.”

When pressed for details, he called the Vice President to the mic.

Pence said, “Per the President’s direction, we will be recalling all of America’s aircraft from around the globe to complete this stimulus program.”

He also noted all of the nation’s mints have redirected their efforts solely to the production of pennies, each of which cost 2.06 cents to make.

The Director of the Mint, David Rittenhouse VI, cautioned that due to the quantity required, the U.S. might need to include some Canadian, British and Gibraltar pennies. He was immediately sacked by the president.

“I’m the greatest rainmaker in history,” Trump said upon returning to the podium. “The Bible says God sends the rain down from heaven. Well, money is even better, isn’t it?”

When asked about the danger of dropping metal from the sky, he responded, “Yeah, like anyone’s gonna complain about free money. Actually, I wanted to have my new Space Force drop them from outer space, but I was informed they might melt on the way down.”

Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez dismissed the president’s plan. “If he really cared about the American people, he’d be dropping dollars on them. A dollar is, like, worth a lot more than a penny – at least double.” She illustrated her point by comparing the two coins.

Trump responded to AOC by stating, “No way. It has to be pennies, or the theme song won’t work. I made that song famous, by the way, when I encouraged my good friend Bing Crosby to record it and to make the movie.”

Reporter: Robert Charlesson

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